Ch. 3: The Time I...Was Eaten by a Balloon—Literally

    The other day, I was thinking, "You know what, self? It sure has been a while since I did an installment in my 'The Time I...' series. I'd say it's about time for another one!" Actually, now that I'm looking at my blog post dates, it's only been, like, two months, but WHATEVER. Here we are again with the story behind...

    Once upon time (as in a few years ago), a family we know asked if my parents could serve in their church's children's ministry during VBS week. Being the good samaritans my parents are, they eagerly said yes! (Well, I'm assuming they did it eagerly—I actually don't remember their response. *coughs*) EITHER WAY, by doing this, my parents were going to be out almost every night that week and since my sisters and I were too young to stay home by ourselves (I think we were, like, 11 and 12???) we actually got to attend some of the VBS programming at the church. And THIS...was when my fate was tested in the stomach of the Evil Balloon™.

    The certain program thing we went to was being led by this guy named Bubba. I think this dude goes around the country doing stuff for events like this (for some reason I feel like his "business" thing is called "The Adventures of Bubba") but unfortunately, I can't for the life of me remember almost anything else about this guy except that he's an AMAZING artist (mainly with crayon art) and could make crazy awesome balloon animals. (My sister, Lydia, actually "won" one of his pictures...and one of his balloon animals...and I didn't get anything.)

    

    But aside from that, the main message Bubba was giving to the kids that week was the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. To demonstrate that story to the fullest, he brought in a simple, innocent-looking balloon. The only different thing about it was that even though it was flat and deflated it was about the size of a dinner plate. 

    Bubba then proceeded to tell us that he was going to get into the balloon and I was like, "Yeah right. There ain't no way you can get into a balloon! Besides, how would you even blow it up?"

    *shakes head at past self* Oh, ye of little faith.

    A moment later, the man was hauling in a leaf blower, stretched the lip of the balloon over the leaf blower's nozzle/hole thingy-ma-jig, and flicked the switch on. Air sloooooooooowly started filling up the balloon and by some miracle, once it got big enough, he somehow stepped into the balloon's mouth and let the thing actually blow up around him while he held the balloon closed from inside of it. He basically did this to show how dark it would have been in the whale ('cause it was pretty dark in the balloon especially with the room's lights turned off) but what I most remember was that after he got out of the balloon, he said, "Alrighty kids! Tomorrow night you'll get to go in the balloon and FACE. YOUR. DOOM." *evil cackles fade in the distance*

    Okay, maybe he didn't say it exactly like that *coughs* but he did say that we could get in the balloon the next day and I was ECSTATIC. (Little did I know how it would really turn out.)

    24 hours later, we were back at VBS and Bubba had returned with his balloon. And his leaf-blower. And...a couple of strange men??? Hmmmmmm.... Bubba then told all of the kids who wanted to get in the balloon to make a neat and tidy line, take their shoes off ('cause you can't exactly get in a balloon with shoes on for risk of popping it) and stated, "If your feet stink, don't get in."

    Here be what I learned regarding stinky feet + balloons 30 seconds later:

1. Any air in a balloon is the only air the balloon's victim will breathe. That said, there is obviously NO ventilation system.
2. When there is NO ventilation system, odorous smells (like feet) will stay circulating in the balloon's air (i.e. the victim's main source of oxygen, i.e. the only way to stay alive).
3. Stinky Feet Air is NOT pleasant to smell and if you have a balloon full of 20 barefoot kids poisoning the oxygen with toxic foot stenches then death surely awaits.

    Apparently, Bubba is an expert on this ever since a girl with stinky feet once got into his balloon and everyone started gagging so much Bubba KNEW he had to pop the balloon immediately. The only problem was...he left his pocket knife outside of their latex prison. *the plot thickens* Might I just say that much praying ensued from him and thankfully God popped that balloon a few seconds later. #JesusTakesTheWheel 😉Of course, Bubba didn't want to repeat that experience which is why he instituted this rule (much to my relief).

    Once all of the kids who wanted to get in the balloon made a line (and made sure their feet were stink-free), Bubba told us how our entrance into the balloon would happen. One of the strange men who came in (I guess they worked for the church or something) would stand in front of the balloon and pick up each kid on their side horizontally while another guy opened up the mouth of the balloon while another guy would hold the leaf blower ready to blow more air in once the kid got inside the balloon. This, of course, had to be fast and simultaneous or else all the balloon's air would seep out. #TheStressIsOn

    One by one each kid was picked up and shoved through the balloon until it was my turn.

    Here we go, I thought.

    The dude picked me up and I was about to be thrown into the jaws of the balloon when something grabbed my hair and pulled me back. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor with several people crowding around me. Wait, what's happening??? I turned my head slightly and...saw a fistful of my hair tangled up in the leaf blower's engine. Bubba stuck his head out of the balloon (he had been in there to catch each incoming kid) and asked, "What's going on?" 

    "Her hair got caught in the leaf blower," someone said. 

    One of the older boys stuck his face in front of mine. "ARE YOU OKAY?" He asked/yelled.

    Y'all, let me just lay it flat. I can tell how someone could get very embarrassed in this sort of situation. But me? I was LOVIN' it. I mean, I wasn't a fan of how my hair was currently half chewed up by lawn equipment, but the attention? Oh YEAH. That was my kind of thing.

    "I'm fine," I said, trying to hide a grin. Heck, I wasn't just fine. I was awesome. I was popular. For once, I wasn't the Invisible Hobbit Girl. I was—

    "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE SOME SCISSORS ARE????"

Say wut now?

    Aaaand, I was about to become The Girl With the Lopsided Haircut Due to a Nefarious Leaf Blower.

    *cue the desperate hair tugging*

    OH NO. Someone just found some scissors.

    *tugs harder*

    Said someone is coming over with said scissors.

    *tugs even harder* 

    Said someone is closing in—I REPEAT—closing in with the scissors.

    *tugs as if my life depends on it*

    Goodbye, my lovely locks. Goodbye dignity. Goodbye—LEAF BLOWER!!!!!!!!

    My hair ripped free right before it's death. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!! *victory/maniacal laughing ensues* In my head at least...eheh. 

    NOW. *coughs and straightens clothes* Let's try this balloon thing again. And this time, I made it in!

    Ooooonly to meet the second dreadful part of this experience. First of all, Bubba did catch me, BUT I basically fell in head first and had to do some very un-amazing acrobatic skills to get upright again. Second of all, it was crowded. Y'ALL. If this happened in the past year and half, the Covid Police would have stormed its way into the building and probably arrested all of us. Just sayin'. Third of all, I may or may not be slightly claustrophobic, so being stuck in a balloon less than the size of a closet with a grown man and, like, ten other kids was not the most comfortable place to be. (Dunno why I didn't think about that issue before...)

    Thankfully though, the balloon didn't stink terribly and almost all the kids in the line except one was able to get in before the balloon popped. I must say, it was pretty sad seeing that lone little boy sitting out there all by himself just waiting for his once-in-a-life-time chance to get eaten by a balloon and then see that dream disintegrate before his eyes. *pats kid on the head* But...at least I got in despite the delay. And y'all, I'm just saying, as slightly claustrophobic and smelly and crazy as it was, getting to stand in an actual balloon was preeeetty cool! Even though my ear drums about busted when the balloon popped.

    ANYWAY. That be the end of La Great Balloon Escapade! Now, would I do that again? Probably not (being much taller than my 12-year-old self, that might be a smidgen too uncomfortable). XD Would I recommend you taking the "risk" if you ever get the chance? Absolutely! (As long as you can handle a short amount of time feeling like Luke, Leia, and Han in the trash compactor.) 😜But trust me, if you do, you'll never forget that experience!

Tally-ho!

    Raise your hand if you have been in a balloon like that before! What did you think of it? Would you ever want to get in one if you could? Has anyone else gotten their hair stuck in a leaf blower before? How did you get it out? If you could hire someone to do something crazy (like getting in a balloon at an event), what would you want them to do?